Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
