I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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