Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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