I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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