turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
