Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
