All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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