Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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