I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
