If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
