But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
