I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
