I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
