Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
