Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
