I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
