Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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