Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drake has all the answers
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
