Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
