my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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