If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
