the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
God I need to hump something, right now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
