i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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