Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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