I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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