my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
