We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh god it's open bar.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
