Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
