Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
