At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
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Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
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I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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