literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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