Joe is yelling at the trees again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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