he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
