just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
