I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
