i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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