sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
