I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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