i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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