Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
