Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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