He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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