do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
