i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am midnight drunk by noon
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I love you. Go after that dick
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
