Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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