you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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