Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
