I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
