So gin and wine won't be happening again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
