I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
