around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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