I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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