So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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