She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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