paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
