I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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