My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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